Last September I started a retreat series called “Longing for His Presence.” The purpose of this series is to help a person build solid spiritual formation disciplines into their lives. Each retreat is 2 1/2 days in length and focuses on a few key disciplines. In the first retreat about 30% of the time is spent in silence and the remaining 70% is content. The second retreat is about 60% silence and solitude and 40% content. The third retreat is 90% silence and solitude and 10% content.
Today I completed the third retreat. My time in silence and solitude before the Lord was very refreshing. I found that my soul had grown somewhat parched and I needed a refreshing flood of the Lord’s presence. The theme for this retreat was John 15 and for me the key thought was “Abide in My rest.”
Over the past 2 1/2 days the Lord has reminded me of His great love, His all sufficient grace and His constant presence. He also helped me to see some things about myself more clearly. The greatest illumination came in the area of my expectancy. Over the past few years, the Lord has been preparing my heart for some exciting things. With these preparations came a sense of expectancy; however, over time I have allowed that sense of expectancy in some ways to become an expectation of how God should be moving and at what speed. This subtle shift creates an undesirable quality in my character…impatience. I found myself today asking the Lord to give me a new found joy in times of waiting.
The Lord also showed me that I struggle with wanting to see stability and structure in my circumstances, because I often view myself as unworthy to fulfill the call on my life. Humbling revelations about myself, yet they are very accurate. A fellow brother helped me to see this reality more clearly…he chuckled, because I was already doing the things I felt unworthy to be doing.
Tomorrow it will be one week until I leave for Kenya and Uganda. I still lack about $2,000 of covering my ground transportation, lodging and meals. I know the Lord will provide, even though those provisions are not realized yet. Living on the edge in faith and walking in complete trust are all apart of the journey He has me on.