The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Within

Days like today are the places where the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde within me get revealed.   We began this day with enough gas in Carol’s van to get the kids to and from school today.  I went into town to check the mail for a commission check I was expecting (which wasn’t there).   When I got back from town, my motorcycle was nearly on empty.   We have a $300 truck payment drafting through our bank account tomorrow and we currently have $6 in the bank.  To top it off I awoke with a splitting headache.

I started the morning, by telling the Lord my fears and asking for His strength instead of mine and His trust in Himself to replace my own trust.   I found myself at peace once I had prayed these things through and I went about my work, writing articles to promote the business websites.

About 2PM, Carol suggested we put an old twin bed on Craigslist that we had been holding back for Christopher.  We learned this weekend, that he would not be needing it.   We listed it for $35 ($30 for gas in Carol’s van and $5 for gas in my motorcycle) and within an hour or so we had several emails and a series of phone call from a man who was interested in picking up the bed for his son.

At around 4PM the man showed up, took a quick look at the mattress and box springs and said:  “I’m going to pass.”  By this time my headache had returned full tilt and the hope of seeing gas money provided for went out the window.  Once again I found myself in a downward spiral of doubt, anger, fear, etc…   Angry that I had turned down work for obedience; wishing God would find someone else who was stronger than I am to take on this call; and more than anything just wanting some relief.

Carol began to tell me that God would take care of us and everything would be ok.   I didn’t want to hear anymore “sunshine and promises from Scripture,” and I told her so.   I reminded her that our needs have not been met…how can I even teach others that God will supply all of their needs?  We have more bills unpaid and delinquent than we do paid.  She asked me what did I really need to see?  I told her…people who will not just listen to the burdens of our life, but will actually partner with me month by month, so that I can do this work.   I told her I wanted to see some growth in the businesses.   I just want to see the bills paid and some sort of forward progress.   With my head pounding and my stomach nauseous, I went and laid down.

When I got back up for dinner, Carol said a woman had called asking about the bed.   At 8:20 this evening she gave us $35 for the bed.  Enough for 2/3 tank of gas in Carol’s van and $5 of gas for my motorcycle.   Our need had been met.

I choose to be transparent with you about my fears and my failures, because they are a real part of this church planting journey.  Make no mistake, this journey has cost us everything….financially we are destitute, emotionally I am on fumes, and spiritually my greatest battles are the ones within.   I press on though…sometimes inching forward with my fingernails, because there is a world out there that needs the hope of Jesus.   Even though I give up on Him sometimes, He never gives up on me.  Today He used a $35 mattress at 8:20PM to prove it to me.

As embarassed as I am to share some of this with you I realize I am in good company.   Listen to the Apostle Paul’s description:

2 Corinthians 1:8 (NASB)
8 For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life;

and Elijah:

1 Kings 19:9-10 (NASB)
9 Then he came there to a cave, and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and He said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
10 And he said, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Thy covenant, torn down Thine altars and killed Thy prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.”

The battle of the flesh will not end until the day Jesus calls me to His side.

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