I have now come to refer to the year 2008 as my year of deconstruction.  It was during 2008 that the Lord took me through the most painful, yet most freeing journey of my spiritual life with one question:  “Am I the Lord of every kingdom of your heart.”   2008 was so painful and so challenging on so many levels that I was ready to breathe easier as the calendar rolled to 2009; however, as we come towards the home stretch of January, I am quickly realizing that there are miles to go before I am ready to fit the vision that God has given me for Simplicity.

We have known for some time that we would need to move at the end of January.   As we have been praying for God’s clear direction for our next place, the suggestions have been many.   Move here, do this, try this, go this way, etc…   Some seemed as though they were of God’s leading, but as we followed their path, we did not find God’s provision at the end.  So here we are 8 days away from needing to move.  We have no clear direction, $60 in our bank account, a vacant house in Pennsylvania and the list goes on.   These first weeks of our business endeavors drain more money than they bring in and our peace has been fragile at best.

Yesterday, as I learned of a costly mistake I had made in our finances, that fragile peace fell apart.  A few more hailstones of bad news were lobbed into the mix and once again, I found myself like Peter, drowning in a sea of circumstances.  It isn’t where I wanted to be…I was begging forgiveness even as I was sinking, because I knew my eyes were off of the Master.   Try as I might, I could not get my eyes locked on, all I could do was gasp and hurt.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent time with some of the wisest men I know or have ever had the privilege of interacting with.  For the past two years, this group of men has walked together, each of us sharpening one another.  During our time, one of my closest advisers, brought our attention back to a passage that has captivated him for years (I’ve underlined the part that was meant for me in these days of refining):

2 Corinthians 1:8-10 (NASB)

8 For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life;
9 indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;
10 who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us,

These words were both comforting and distressing at the same time.  This is the Apostle Paul speaking to us…being very transparent.  In Carl’s loose translation he is saying:  “We were so over our heads, that we didn’t want to live anymore…”  Utter despair, overwhelmed by circumstance and paralyzed by fear…the place I’ve found myself in these past few weeks.

Well meaning people tell you…”just give it to the Lord.”   I’m finding that there are times that you don’t even have strength to give it to the Lord.  This also rang true with me in these words of Paul…it took a death sentence to self to bring about trust.  What I find happening in my life right now seems very similar.  God is putting to death all of the things that I trust in besides Him.  Many of these things I never knew were there, I thought they were conquered.   Unfortunately it takes severe upheaval to flesh those things out and sadly for me, it usually takes more than once.

This morning was no exception.  I awoke, determined to live in God’s peace once again, but quickly found myself helplessly and ashamedly adrift on the same sea once again.  God, however, did something different today as I cried and begged for peace, mercy and new focus.  He didn’t immediately extend His saving hand to me, but instead He allowed the despair to run its course.  From deep within flowed accusations, self righteous defiance, and challenges to God’s love for me.   Even though I knew my words were wrong, I continued to shake my indignant finger and chastise the “injustice” in my life.  A tidal wave of frustration, emotion, rage and fleshly sinfulness spewed forth from deep within the closets of my heart.   I wanted to quit life, quit the ministry, lash out against those who have taken careless liberties with my life…my spirit grieving, knowing these things to be lies from the pit of hell, and yet they were gushing out of my inner man.  As the gusher began to subside, brokenness consumed me, I wept with such pain, covered in the guilt and shame of my fleshly response….that which had been churning below the surface was now in full view and the only choice left was honesty and repentance.

These past few weeks, I have been teaching on Jesus’ interactions with the disciples.  This week it was Peter’s water walking adventure.  When I see Peter’s life, I find myself reflected.  A man who will risk anything for God, but doesn’t always understand the cost.  Why did Peter jump out of the boat?  Because He being with Jesus was worth the risk.  Why did he sink and why did he run?  He wasn’t dead to himself at that point.  Yet, Jesus knew all of this about Peter and these experiences were preparing him for the call ahead.  Jesus was looking for a man who would risk everything to declare the message of Jesus, in Peter He found such a man.  It would take a near drowning, 3 denials and a host of other hits, runs and errors to prepare him.  Add the filling of the Holy Spirit and Peter moved from loose cannon to being the “rock” upon which Jesus established His church.

In that flood of despair this morning came an impassioned confession, that I am tapped out.  My supply of strength, endurance and resources is gone.  I am watching my inner strength flatline, I have no other option, but to allow God to carry me the next step.

Tonight I am seeing things through new eyes once again.   These past 24 hours have truly been a failure of the flesh, but they have also been a victory of the Spirit.  God cleaned out some hidden closets, crawl spaces and attic hideaways today.   He allowed me to crash harder than I can remember in my lifetime.  He has allowed me to see the pain in the eyes of my wife that I could not comfort and the uncertainty in the face of my children that I could not alleviate.  Those things have been necessary to remind me of Paul’s words:  “That we should not trust in ourselves.”

I share these things, not for your sympathy, but instead so you will watch my life to see the One 10 who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us…once again.