Tag Archives: sprirituality

Walking alone and other observations

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Yesterday Mike and I were meeting together for our weekly prayer and accountability time.  As we were talking something struck me.  The people we see walking the streets in front of the church never walk in groups, but instead they are always walking alone.   The Lord helped me see again the isolation of this neighborhood.   Everyone walks alone, because they do not allow themselves to get close to others, for fear that something will be taken from them.

The same spirit is evident in the houses.  Each house has a high fence surrounding it, some even have barbed wire on the top.   No trespassing signs and vicious Pit Bull’s are a common site.   Again, it is driven by a fear of having something taken away.

Last week one of my intercessors had given me a proclamation to make over this neighborhood and the people of the neighborhood.  The proclamation is a declaration that “the enemy has nothing to offer you, nor can he take anything away from you.”   This declaration is critical, as we have had at least two people make this statement to us:  “No one will ever take anything from me again.”

The other observation that we have made is that everyone passing by is carrying a bag.  Plastic bags, backpacks, shoulder bags…most filled with their worldly possessions.   The Lord again gave me greater clarity.  Not only are the people of this neighborhood walking alone, but they are walking alone with the baggage of their life.   The Lord has led us to begin praying for the release of the bondage created by the baggage.

This has been my first week of working from the Simplicity building in Corpus Christi.  There has not been much foot traffic during the day, and the heavy equipment and big dirt piles out front haven’t helped that situation either.

This week I have been presented with several needs from some of my dear African pastors, in addition to our own family needs.   The Lord continues to reassure us through His words to us in scripture and in prayer.  I am not sure how it will all settle out, or even how all of these needs will be met, but I know I am confident in the Lord’s provision in His perfect timing.

Caution…Contents Under Extreme Pressure!

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I have now come to refer to the year 2008 as my year of deconstruction.  It was during 2008 that the Lord took me through the most painful, yet most freeing journey of my spiritual life with one question:  “Am I the Lord of every kingdom of your heart.”   2008 was so painful and so challenging on so many levels that I was ready to breathe easier as the calendar rolled to 2009; however, as we come towards the home stretch of January, I am quickly realizing that there are miles to go before I am ready to fit the vision that God has given me for Simplicity.

We have known for some time that we would need to move at the end of January.   As we have been praying for God’s clear direction for our next place, the suggestions have been many.   Move here, do this, try this, go this way, etc…   Some seemed as though they were of God’s leading, but as we followed their path, we did not find God’s provision at the end.  So here we are 8 days away from needing to move.  We have no clear direction, $60 in our bank account, a vacant house in Pennsylvania and the list goes on.   These first weeks of our business endeavors drain more money than they bring in and our peace has been fragile at best.

Yesterday, as I learned of a costly mistake I had made in our finances, that fragile peace fell apart.  A few more hailstones of bad news were lobbed into the mix and once again, I found myself like Peter, drowning in a sea of circumstances.  It isn’t where I wanted to be…I was begging forgiveness even as I was sinking, because I knew my eyes were off of the Master.   Try as I might, I could not get my eyes locked on, all I could do was gasp and hurt.

Yesterday afternoon, I spent time with some of the wisest men I know or have ever had the privilege of interacting with.  For the past two years, this group of men has walked together, each of us sharpening one another.  During our time, one of my closest advisers, brought our attention back to a passage that has captivated him for years (I’ve underlined the part that was meant for me in these days of refining):

2 Corinthians 1:8-10 (NASB)

8 For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life;
9 indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead;
10 who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us,

These words were both comforting and distressing at the same time.  This is the Apostle Paul speaking to us…being very transparent.  In Carl’s loose translation he is saying:  “We were so over our heads, that we didn’t want to live anymore…”  Utter despair, overwhelmed by circumstance and paralyzed by fear…the place I’ve found myself in these past few weeks.

Well meaning people tell you…”just give it to the Lord.”   I’m finding that there are times that you don’t even have strength to give it to the Lord.  This also rang true with me in these words of Paul…it took a death sentence to self to bring about trust.  What I find happening in my life right now seems very similar.  God is putting to death all of the things that I trust in besides Him.  Many of these things I never knew were there, I thought they were conquered.   Unfortunately it takes severe upheaval to flesh those things out and sadly for me, it usually takes more than once.

This morning was no exception.  I awoke, determined to live in God’s peace once again, but quickly found myself helplessly and ashamedly adrift on the same sea once again.  God, however, did something different today as I cried and begged for peace, mercy and new focus.  He didn’t immediately extend His saving hand to me, but instead He allowed the despair to run its course.  From deep within flowed accusations, self righteous defiance, and challenges to God’s love for me.   Even though I knew my words were wrong, I continued to shake my indignant finger and chastise the “injustice” in my life.  A tidal wave of frustration, emotion, rage and fleshly sinfulness spewed forth from deep within the closets of my heart.   I wanted to quit life, quit the ministry, lash out against those who have taken careless liberties with my life…my spirit grieving, knowing these things to be lies from the pit of hell, and yet they were gushing out of my inner man.  As the gusher began to subside, brokenness consumed me, I wept with such pain, covered in the guilt and shame of my fleshly response….that which had been churning below the surface was now in full view and the only choice left was honesty and repentance.

These past few weeks, I have been teaching on Jesus’ interactions with the disciples.  This week it was Peter’s water walking adventure.  When I see Peter’s life, I find myself reflected.  A man who will risk anything for God, but doesn’t always understand the cost.  Why did Peter jump out of the boat?  Because He being with Jesus was worth the risk.  Why did he sink and why did he run?  He wasn’t dead to himself at that point.  Yet, Jesus knew all of this about Peter and these experiences were preparing him for the call ahead.  Jesus was looking for a man who would risk everything to declare the message of Jesus, in Peter He found such a man.  It would take a near drowning, 3 denials and a host of other hits, runs and errors to prepare him.  Add the filling of the Holy Spirit and Peter moved from loose cannon to being the “rock” upon which Jesus established His church.

In that flood of despair this morning came an impassioned confession, that I am tapped out.  My supply of strength, endurance and resources is gone.  I am watching my inner strength flatline, I have no other option, but to allow God to carry me the next step.

Tonight I am seeing things through new eyes once again.   These past 24 hours have truly been a failure of the flesh, but they have also been a victory of the Spirit.  God cleaned out some hidden closets, crawl spaces and attic hideaways today.   He allowed me to crash harder than I can remember in my lifetime.  He has allowed me to see the pain in the eyes of my wife that I could not comfort and the uncertainty in the face of my children that I could not alleviate.  Those things have been necessary to remind me of Paul’s words:  “That we should not trust in ourselves.”

I share these things, not for your sympathy, but instead so you will watch my life to see the One 10 who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us…once again.

Out of Gas

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You may have noticed that the intervals between my posts has increased.  Life has gotten hectic; therefore, updating the blog has taken a back seat to other things.   In the past few weeks we’ve celebrated Christmas, had Christopher home, had Christopher’s girlfriend visit, launched new business ventures and prepared Elishba for her return journey to India.

This past weekend for me was difficult.  The Lord continues to mold and shape me in ways that are excruciatingly painful at times.   This weekend we learned that our 6th attempt at finding a place of residence in Corpus Christi was down the tubes…now because I don’t have a verifiable salary, weekly paycheck, etc….   This wasn’t a big surprise, when I was a loan officer I didn’t approve loans like that either.     My greater challenge came from the question of why, for the past 2 years, we have been unable to get settled.  There is always something that stops us dead in our tracks.

So the questions began to whirl in our minds…are we even doing the right thing?  One negative thought lead to the next and before long I was ready to throw in the towel, definitely not pretty.   One of my advisers keenly observed that I needed full-time employment, another said I needed to trust God as my source, another said not to lose hope I was sowing seed for the future.

In the days of preparing to leave the church this past fall, I had sent out over 40 resume’s without so much as a nibble.  The only job offer I received was to run a children’s day care program in Florida.   It was during that time the Lord showed Carol and I that He wanted us to live by faith.   Towards the beginning of December, He showed me the next piece, starting Simplicity Solutions and off to the races we went.  I’m currently in the beginning stages of that process, with expenses outrunning profit for the moment.   God has provided every step of the way, the bills are paid and the refrigerator stocked, but in the fog of the moment, I wasn’t seeing that picture anymore.   I just saw no current solutions and many current obligations.

Saturday, we went to see a friend who has offered us space in his home if things were to get really dire.   While we were there, he asked me the question God had been waiting for….”how are you?”   That was all it took to open the flood gates and the tears began to flow.   I poured out my heart to him and even admitted that I didn’t know if really trusted God.   My friend said something that utterly shocked me…he said, “that’s great, you are right where you need to be.”   He elaborated by reminding me of a stormy night when the disciples didn’t trust Jesus anymore.  You see, Jesus was asleep and they were in fear of drowning.   When they couldn’t take it anymore they woke Jesus up and admonished him for his lack of concern over their predicament.  My friend then made this profound statement:  “Since Jesus couldn’t calm his disciples down, he calmed the storm instead.”

All of the sudden, I felt my fog begin to break.   I had awoken Saturday morning with a song in my head:  “My deliver is coming, my deliverer is standing by…”  My wife had shared with me that the story of Ruth and Boaz, the kinsmen redeemer, was impressed upon her and wouldn’t you know it as we pulled up to my friend’s house “My deliverer is coming was playing on the radio.”   Between the reminders of my deliverer and my friend’s counsel that I was in a great place, because I was out of trust…I couldn’t muster anymore.   I was out of solutions, because I don’t have any left.   Now is the time that I need to be looking for my deliverer to speak to the storm.  My friend also reminded me that God had already given me His vision for the ministry and the business model, but now it was time to mold me in such a way that those things can become reality.

I can honestly say, I don’t yet see the solutions, but I am once again filled with peace that my deliverer is coming.   Just in case I wasn’t sure of God’s message for me this week, my devotions are covering the name of God, Jehovah Shalom, the God of perfect peace.

Who Knew???

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Yesterday was city inspector day. Over the 9 hours of waiting, I saw 4 inspectors and spoke to another one by phone. The longest inspection lasted all of 3 minutes. The most pressing issue in our meeting space…we need an open face seat on the toilet. This in fact is such a pressing issue that it was mentioned by two inspectors and requires a follow up inspection.

So today, I will locate an open face toilet seat. And since 2 of my inspectors never showed up, I will have to schedule another down day to wait on them.